The Woman I am Becoming....

Its been a while, like always, it's pretty obvious that its been a while. For that I am sorry, though I don't notice my notification blowing up to tell me to come back.

A lot has changed since the last time I posted. Let's see...

I lost someone who I thought was my best friend, I made new friends that moved away, I started therapy, lost my job, got a new one that made me sick, started an Esty shop with my bestfriend, discovered I'm not Asexual- but Bisexual, reconnected with an old friend , tried to be a better Wiccan and broke up with my boyfriend.

All of this, surprisingly, ties back into my yearly quote. For those of you who don't know, every (calendar) New Year, I pick a new quote to live my life by and to guide me through the year. This year (2020) the quote is/was:

"The Woman you are becoming will cost you people, relationships, places and material things - Chose HER over EVERYTHING"

I almost didn't pick this quote, because I was scared to even entertain the thought that I may lose the people in my life. I told myself that I worked hard at all my relationships and that there was nothing that could make me give them up - I was wrong.

Yes I did work extremely hard at every single one of my relationships, and some times I didn't do near enough, Narisse I'm sorry I don't keep in touch more.... I don't have a good reason, I just hope you're not mad at me.

Where I do I start?

I guess I should start with the issues. Firstly, for a while I have felt like I put a lot of effort into people and they don't give it back near as much, which hurts because I have always dreamed of the day when someone wants me for me, and not what I do for them. At this point I would take it from a roommate. I give and give until there is little to nothing left for myself, and I learned that isn't how you're supposed to live your life.

losing a 'bestfriend'- I almost made a post about her, but I didn't have the amount of material I would've liked. So Zoey, if you see this, this section is just for you. Why such a small space? Because I don't want to spend any more energy on you. I gave you what I could, and I hoped it was enough, but no matter what you would turn around each time and ask for more, tell me you loved me (which I'm sure was more than platonic) and tried to change who I was. Maybe it was seeded in good intentions that you hoped I could be better, but the way you went about it was controlling and manipulative. I truly hope you work on that in the future.

I lost her before my birthday, and used my birthday trip as a reason to travel and attempt to make things work. I didn't do a good job because I was harboring hatred and anger towards her. I didn't treat her the way a caring, loving friend would've. The advice I have for anyone reading this is to do your best to put the hand of compassion forward when scared. If you ever have doubts about a relationship, use compassion for yourself and for the other parties involved.

I made a new friend, Trena. Without that woman I wouldn't have passed my French class, well I mean, I could've but it wouldn't have been half as fun, thanks for helping me torment Xuan. And Xuan, if you ever find this, I hope you knew we were just playing, you are a magnificent professor and I learned so much from you. Thank you for sharing your experiences and art with us.

Trena, I'll never be mad at you for moving away. your story needed to continue, and in a way, I hope that I can follow suit. I have never lived anywhere else but here and I need to experience more.

Therapy- I knew it was something I needed to get back to. The Coronavirus outbreak cost me a lot. My job handling money, and the ability to meet with a counselor, but thank goodness for my forethought in reaching out to the psychology clinic when I landed here. I won't lie. Its HARD. Therapy isn't like counseling, it is a lot more intense and a lot more emotionally draining. My avoidance is WORSE because I don't want to find the strength to do the exercises I'm given. I make up a lot of excuses, but it boils down to the stubborn fact that I buried those feelings and thoughts, and I don't want to extend the effort to dig it all back up again only to put it back to bed later - but I NEED to. So Alicia, thank you.

Etsy- My best friend and I started an Etsy store. I really shouldn't say that WE started it, SHE started it and asked for my help with the things that she didn't understand, and I am so glad that she asked me to help her, because running or even trying an Etsy store was something I really wanted to do for myself. The idea that someone owns something I put my heart and soul into is intoxicating. Making my first sale gave me the serotonin to clean the whole house in an hour again.

Bisexual- Hello to all my family members that read this, you can skip this if you want. I also don't really want to discuss this. I'm still myself, I still care about people and I still hold a hope for a Happily Ever After. I just found out that there are types of girls that I would love to kiss. It was a weird experience, but it started with one of my first roommates. I can't explain it, it's just the way that she smiled. That's about all I know right now. That and I am a sucker for brown eyes.

Old Friend- This is the section I'm terrified to write. There is so much to put here. I hope that the future holds so much for us, but I can't help but worry that you might not be there either. I hope that my fears never play out, and that you will continue to be here for me. You're just amazing and I can't imagine a permanent loss. Thank you.

Wicca- Samhain is in 20 days. The Wiccan New Year. I take this time to reflect on my practice and make myself goals. I didn't do that last year, and that really halted my growth. I am glad that I knew enough to help myself this Tuesday, when I needed answers badly, and I am grateful to the ritual for giving me clarity and a sense of peace. I wish it could've taken away the fear and doubts, but that is life.

This year I hope I can come up with some good goals to attempt. I am trying to be gracious with myself when I don't meet deadlines. There is a lot of pressure on me right now, and I don't know if it's getting worse or better. But I have hope.

Break Up- Chris, if you're reading this, I really wish you wouldn't. This is my space to be honest and to be blunt, I won't be sparing your feelings.

It wasn't a new issue, it was several little ones that were built on day by day (not literally every day). The first was the anger, it reminded me of my father, and asking someone to control an emotion isn't something I have a right to ask. So I didn't. There were days I cried HARD because I was scared I would lose this man. He was everything I thought I wanted, but I started to see that maybe he wasn't. I used masks and long sentences to hide the true meaning behind everything. I wanted him to be mature enough to help me grow and to take care of me on the days I couldn't bring myself to do it. I started to get worse, and I'd like to blame it on the pandemic, but I can't say that with certainty. I was alone a lot, and it hurt, it gave me flash backs to when I was in high school and was locked away in a tower. Then I started to actually lose people and my trauma started to rear its ugly multifaceted head, something I couldn't even deal with, and I asked - Begged- him to take the burden. It hurt him I saw, but I needed help, and couldn't tell him how to help me. Then it started to decline. His self confidence dropped, and fell farther and farther down. I know its my fault. It's not what I wanted, but it happened - and if I could go back I would.

Then I took a trip to help my bestfriend and everything changed. I had a long conversation with his mother and realized that I had tried so hard to make him into someone else, someone I could depend on and someone with courage and confidence, but those aren't things you can give someone or even teach them to have. The hard fact was, I was trying to mother him and raise him, and once I realized that I knew I couldn't subject myself to that again.

It hit me then, the issue I had been dealing with for months wasn't him. It was ME. I wasn't taking care of myself. I was trying to, but It wasn't doing much. I'm not healthy right now, but I want to be. I am making bad choices, and I want to make better ones. I know I am a good person, and I don't do things on purpose, but I still do them, and it hurts the people around me. I need to turn off the valve of my never ending supply of saving people, and throw them a rope if they ASK and help when they ASK, instead of jumping to their rescue at every gasp and sigh. - Maybe everyone should try this.

I hope that who ever reads this finds it entertaining, helpful or at least funny. I want to be of help to as many people that I can, and as far as I know, my experiences are the only way to do that. Here at least I don't have to hear someone laugh if i'm dramatic.

Take care of yourself, and try your hardest to be your best, most happy self.

- S