No Angel

When a chapter in our lives come to a close, we look back on the things that you missed before.

One thing that has hit me square in the face is that:

You never knew me.

You had this strange idea that I was perfect in every way and that I could have no faults, even when I tried to show them to you. Some people might think this is a good thing, but to me it just showed me that you didn't recognize or appreciate the progress I was making, and I was making strides.

Now this isn't to say I need validation from others in my own success, but being who I am and working this hard to change my thought processes and behaviors has been and will continue to be tough, and I would like for someone to acknowledge that I did work hard.

The fact that you didn't, regardless of my good or bad days, just made me feel like I wasn't getting anywhere.

You said I was an angel, that heaven graced your life with my presence, and so many people in my life would disagree.

Not in a negative way either. They would just point out that my celestial qualities fall short of 'angelic' and that calling me such was an over statement.

I suppose this was another issue I had. You always saw the good, and there may not be anything wrong with that either, but I wanted someone to also see the bad and react accordingly.

No- I'm not saying you should've been scared of me, or that you should've been worried for me because my demons are 'too great' - but I would like to point out that flat out ignoring an aspect of someone's personality negates their being.

In my religious practice, we believe in balance. Balancing all things, the good, the evil, the happy the sad, and to ignore one creates imbalance. I am a whole being, with facets that face the light at different times, I needed you to show me that you saw those pieces of me, and still accepted me despite how dark the dark got.

You tried, I'll give you that. But asking me to hide away pieces of myself is what made me withdraw on a lot of promises I had made to myself.

I just wanted to be seen for what I was, in all that I was, and still chosen despite the craziness, the loud laughs, the lack of real world experience, the lack of drive at times, the multiple mental illnesses, the quirks and weird little things I do all the time, But every time you had the chance, you made it very clear that it was difficult, so I stopped asking you to choose me, and that's what made you happy.

An angel didn't fall in love with you, an angel didn't bring you peace or blessings. I am human, all human. And in the times we fought you still held me to a place above yourself and your reply to my screams was always 'i'm only human'

-is there nothing in you that thought that maybe, just maybe I wanted to be human too?

This was all brought on by the following songs: of course 'Don't Call me Angel' from the Charlies Angels re-boot I didn't watch

And, 'Born Without a Heart' by Faouzia, the verses start with her asking the listener to explain why they think she's an angel, because she will watch you cry and never care. Then later, she says she understands why she's being called a Nightmare.

Most importantly, 'Hurt people, hurt people."

I was a broken person, who wanted something I couldn't have and was asking to forcefully. I should've loved you unconditionally, but I hadn't been shown how to do that.

I am sorry for the hurt I've caused you and I hope that in the future you can forgive me in earnest. I didn't mean to do what I did, because it is only now that I am realizing I did it in the first place.

You didn't deserve that, and I hope healing comes quickly.