The Table...

I have been thinking lately about what I bring to 'the table'. The phrase most commonly used in relationships, romantic ones to be specific. I tend to use it in all my relationships.

I have been coming across these images a lot in my social media scrolling:

And its made me wonder, What DO I bring to the table?

Immediately I can think of the bad things, like anxiety, depression, PTSD and several other inherited issues that I don't know if I will get rid of - but I am working on them. It takes me a minute to think of things that are GOOD that I bring to the table.

I am traumatized, I won't hide that. I have a hard time trusting people and believing what they say. BUT on the flip side. I have had the wonderful opportunity to meet wonderful people that have taught me how to trust, and how to believe in the good.

I get sad. I get so sad that I have to take medication for it - medication that I don't always take- BUT there are also times that I work so very very hard to be happy, and once I hit that head space, it usually lasts a lot longer than it used to.

I Worry. Which means I care, but it can be a lot to handle. I will always double check things, always check on you, and always make sure that things are the way they need to be (i.e. door locks, liquids in cars, food supplies & amenities.)

I'm Adaptable. It's one of my 5 strengths. I have lived in discomfort and terrible conditions, and I can again, but I also know how to make the most out of any situation.

I hold on until it almost doesn't make sense. It's both a good and bad quality.

I am so very loving once you get past the abrasive outside. I will do anything I possibly can to take care of you.

I love to clean. So the house will never be more than a little dirty, as long as we can have a dishwasher.

I love to learn, so you can always teach me about the things that interest you, I may not understand right away, but I love watching the people I love do things that bring them joy.

What ever you do, I will support you, as long as it isn't harmful.

The list I am working from prompts me to ask myself what I am really scared of to lose when I open myself up to others. "What are the things you fear most about getting close to another person?"

this isn't my post, but it still scares me. That someday, the person that I love the most, will look at me and just not love me anymore. No reason why, no explanation... just, *poof* gone. That's what I'm so scared of, that someone will say they love me and leave me.

Who ever you are, my future partner. I want you to know that I am working so very hard on myself to be the best I can. I don't want to be sad forever, I don't want to start every apology with "well when I was a kid..." - I want to grow, and leave the pain in the past, but it's hard, so I hope that when you're ready for me, when the universe thinks we're ready, that you will have patience with me to let me continue to grow into who ever I want to be, and that you will continue to love me as I am and who I grow to be.

My hope is that I can grow WITH the person of my future, not hold their hand and drag them along and coax them to grow, but watch when they grow, and feel supported when I grow.

I hope that I can be all that you need, and all that you want- without having to change.

I want you to be able to take care of yourself - because I know I can - but also be willing to hold me when I can't pick myself up off the floor, I promise it won't be frequently, because I'll be there for you when you need a hand.

I want someone with their own dreams that I can support, so that when I want to chase my dreams I can count on you to be there to support me. We don't have to do the same thing, but if we can be there for each other cheering each other on, I know my heart would be full.

In short, I'd just like what I give to be reciprocated in the best way possible. I don't expect you to be a carbon copy of myself, but if you could match my energy that would really really make me love you forever.

I hope I get to meet you soon.

-S