Penny For Your Grief.

for penny, the best dog.

How do you say goodbye to one of your best friends?

in my experience, I don't. On December 3rd 2019, My childhood dog Penny passed in her sleep.

The story, as relayed to me, is that she was standing in the yard, not moving. My step father brought her in, and put her in a kennel with food and water and a blanket to warm her up. The next morning (the 3rd) he went to check on her and she had gone.

This is not the only pet I have lost that took a large piece of my heart with them. May 2, 2017 my boyfriend at the time brought home two little black kitten beans, that grew into my precious Thanatos and Vitalis. December 8th I lost Thanatos, he was hit by a car leaving the driveway. Thanatos was my soul cat, he understood me, and was the most wonderful kitten a woman could ask for, he was survived by his brother Vitalis.

July 10th, 2018, Vitalis was taken from me as well, also hit by a car. This cat was the most cuddly, fluffy cat I have ever known. You could do anything you wanted to him, we'd even play a game called 'how many treats can we throw onto him before he wakes up', it was never less than 30.

I don't know if there is a way to let go of them, or to properly say goodbye. I buried my kitties, and unfortunately couldn't do the same for Penny. They will all be in my heart forever, and even writing this burns a hole into me, deeply.

And it't taken me a lot of time to even share this. She was the best dog I could've asked for, and I wasn't there for her when I needed to be. I feel useless and ungrateful for not taking better care of her and being with her like I should have. People have told me that its 'because I was in college" or "you didn't have a way to care for her." But I could have, if I had tried harder, and I will always be sorry for that.

But I know that Penny lived a full life, and Thanatos and Vitalis came to be with me in my greatest time of need. I helped bottle feed them and nurture them to kittens, and one into a cat, but once they had achieved their purpose in life they were allowed to leave, and they did. In the saddest ways, but I have to think they are happy where they are, and that they come visit once in a while.

I can be happy in ways that are unorthodox, my current cat Firian, is a lot like both of the little black beans. He'd cuddly sometimes, and fiercely playful, hes also a little stupid, but also very curious and in love with my spiritual path.